A mathematical tragedy: two parallel lines fall in love.

Q: What’s green and really far away?

A: The lime at infinity.

Q: What’s a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Q: Why did the vector cross the road?

A: It wanted to be normal.

Q: Why shouldn’t you argue with a decimal?

A: Decimals always have a point.

A girl to her mathematician boyfriend:

– Let’s do something that is forbidden tonight.

– Divide by zero?

-How can you distinguish a mathematician from a physicist?

-Ask for an antonym for the word parallel.

-And?

-A mathematician will answer perpendicular, and a physicist serial.

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A: Because 7 8 9

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?

A: Nice belt!

-Some bike thief managed to open my combination lock. How could they possibly guess that the combo was the year of the canonization of Saint Dominic by Pope Gregory IX at Rieti, Italy?

-What year was that?

-1234.

-Mike, here are 10 chocolates. Give half of them to your brother.

-OK. I’ll give him three chocolates.

-You can’t count?

-I can, but he can’t.

– Do you know a statistics joke?

– Probably, but it’s mean!

A traffic policeman stops a car:

– You’re going 70 in a 35 miles-per-hour zone.

– But there are two of us!

A mathematician’s son:

– Dad, how do I write the number 8?

– That’s easy: rotate the infinity symbol by pi over 2.

Archimedes, Pascal and Newton play hide and seek. Archimedes is the seeker. Pascal hides, but Newton draws a 1-meter square around himself. Archimedes opens his eyes and shouts:

– I see Newton!

– Oh, no! One newton per square meter is the pascal.

There are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types of people: those who know nothing about fractals and those who think that there are two types people…

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

A poet, a priest, and a mathematician are discussing whether it’s better to have a spouse or a lover.

The poet argues that it’s better to have a lover because love should be free and spontaneous.

The priest argues that it’s better to have a spouse because love should be sanctified by God.

The mathematician says, “I think it’s better to have both. That way, when each of them thinks you’re with the other, you can sit down and do some mathematics.”

– We’ll split the money 50-50.

– I want 70.

– Okay, 70-70!

– If a black cat crosses in front of you and then crosses back, what does it mean? Is your bad luck doubled or canceled?

– Is this a scalar or a vector cat?

– Huh?

– A scalar cat doubles and a vector cat cancels.

Sources

[1] Tanya Khovanova’s Math Blog

[2] Zev Chonoles